A while back I was texting someone I liked and it occurred to me that each message seemed to be a topic of utmost importance: The space between ‘haha’ and ‘ha’ might mean The difference between him asking me or not, I would write messages in my Notes app first and then copy and paste them into chats, and due to stress I would throw my phone across the room so I wouldn’t notice her reply, only to find myself on my hands and knees. I check a few seconds later to see if he has already replied to me.
I stopped talking to him, not because I wanted to, but as a way to protect myself: It ended before it got a chance to do so. Shortly after, I did what I liked again with another guy. I wanted to prevent them from becoming painfully idealized loves.
And then there was this guy I went on a few dates with recently. with the boy I felt very insecure after sex I wanted to crawl under her shirt and stick my head out the other side.
I felt like, by having sex, I had given up something I shouldn’t have, that I had lost some of my power. It’s silly, because I enjoyed having sex with her; I too should have felt as if I had won. But This is how our society thinks about sex: as something that men take from women.
It’s funny, because the idea of giving him power was the reason I slept with him. He wanted her to be his again. He told me he would make me a Negroni, it was summer and he would bring me breakfast in the morning. I wanted to sleep with her because I knew she would enjoy it, but also because If I didn’t do this I would feel like I was wasting his time., which he owed at that time. This was the third date, where people usually have sex.
Isn’t it strange that we set rules like this? When I try to understand why, I remember going to a bar one night with some friends. I was having a very funny conversation with a guy about why when parents go on vacation they always stay on the beach with their hands behind their backs. He asked me if I wanted to drink something and I said yes. I realized he might attack me, so I casually mentioned my boyfriend (because I had one at the time), and he immediately leaned over the table and took the glass of wine he’d just handed me. Bought it because it was clean it I wasn’t worth eight pounds if there was no chance of having sex later., And then I remembered how another friend of mine went on a date with someone she knew from art school. He went to her house and, when she didn’t invite him in, he told her, ‘This won’t work for me,’ and left. for many of us We have been told many times that our only value is sex That we started believing in it a little.
Obviously, I can sleep with whoever I want whenever I want, but I don’t feel like doing it, especially when I really like them. it makes me feel exposedAs if I was walking and the wind was hitting my skin.