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Twilight: 33 Thoughts Watching Breaking Dawn – Part 1

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Twilight: analyzing a cult film of the saga

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After surviving the intrigues of The saga of Twilight: Eclipse , our reward is Breaking Dawn – Part 1, fondly known as the one where Bella and Edward finally have sex. Now let’s dive into this newly acquired Netflix story.

  1. Bella and Edward’s wedding invitations are out, and they’re very … well, traditional for the union between a vampire and a teenager.
  2. Time for wedding preparations! With a very in move Goop style (as Paltrow suggests on her lifestyle website), Bella wants to show up at the ceremony barefoot, but Alice won’t let her.
  3. Seriously, because Alice makes Bella wear i high heels at the wedding? What is this female supremacy? At least she is a dedicated wedding planner.
  4. Unfortunately, Kristen Stewart with a leather jacket she has the same sensuality as me.
  5. Edward confesses to Bella that, when he was made into a vampire, he was killing bad guys, which … it doesn’t matter. I still hate the way he takes her by surprise.
  6. Wedding anxiety dream: why are they literally all dressed in white? Diddy would like to talk about it.
  7. The wedding day has finally arrived, and Bella is truly gorgeous. Everyone is crying and worried about makeup, because apparently no one has ever heard of waterproof mascara.
  8. LOL, Anna Kendrick at the ceremony gossiping about Bella being pregnant. I love her.
  9. At the reception there is a certain rivalry between vampires and werewolves, because it is obvious that there is. But at least nobody dies.
  10. God, Bella’s father looks so sad.
  11. Oh my God, Jacob! I have to say Taylor Lautner looks good in the crumpled white shirt. He freaks out because Bella will be turned into a vampire, but it still happens, because she is an idiot.
  12. Not to be a voyeur, but it’s time for sex scenes. Bella is all bruised but insists she’s fine – it has to be said that these movies are a terrible example for all girls – and finally … they do!
  13. Okay, I’m not a particular fan of Bella and Edward, but this is pretty sexy.
  14. How do I rent the villa where they will spend the honeymoon? Is it on Airbnb?
  15. Bella starts throwing up, and by movie law, it obviously means she’s pregnant. Even after its first time! Bad business.
  16. I forgot that the whole film has the theme of abortion hidden. All (reasonable) people think Bella should protect herself from the vampire fetus that could kill her, but she refuses to harm him. Ugh.
  17. Jacob is not happy with Bella’s pregnancy, which could (again) literally kill her, but at least Rosalie is on his side for once.
  18. Bella is experiencing that well-known vampire pregnancy side effect of “looking shit and somehow sporting a huge baby bump two weeks after conception.”
  19. Carlisle explains that the fetus is “strong and fast growing”, and that … again, yes, it’s a vampire baby!
  20. Jacob begs Bella to choose herself over the baby and Edward, but she obviously won’t.
  21. Jacob and his goofy friend Seth split from the pack and form one of their own with Jacob in charge, and go around pissing off wolves for a while.
  22. Honestly, I forgot how full of wolves this installment of the saga was.
  23. Leah, Seth’s older sister, wants to be with Jacob and Seth, and explains that it’s too painful for her to stay with Sam, her ex, after imprinting. Sounds like a bad breakup, girl.
  24. Carlisle explains to Bella that the fetus is starving her, but again, she doesn’t care.
  25. Ugh, Bella has to drink some blood to see if it makes the fetus happy, and she likes it. Someone is getting used to the vampire life!
  26. Bella tells her father that she is going to a “spa in Switzerland”, but she is actually giving birth to a demon baby, how do you do it!
  27. Ugh, Rosalie constantly corrects anyone who refers to the fetus as a fetus, calling it “the baby” instead.
  28. Edward communicates with the fetus, and now he is all happy and ready to be a father, as if his wife does not risked literally to die in childbirth. I go crazy.
  29. Okay, vomit, birth sequence. (I can’t believe there was a time when I wanted to be a gynecologist. I’m glad I’m in the movies instead. Twilight to live).
  30. Bella dies and comes back to life because Edward transforms her? Meredith Gray does a lot, frankly, with a little more vampire energy.
  31. Now we come to probably the strangest part of the whole franchise: Jacob is imprinted with the little girl, which means that the wolves cannot harm the vampires because there is some kind of imprint protection law.
  32. We’re all ready for more Volturi dramas in the next installment, and – more importantly – Renesmee’s childhood, but she hasn’t been officially named yet, so pretend she hasn’t said that.
  33. See you here for Breaking Dawn – Part 2, with the strangest CGI baby in the world!

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